


The Thorns Inside

by 221B Bitch (UndeservingHero)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Soul-Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:03:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7942267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UndeservingHero/pseuds/221B%20Bitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard to touch the Force when he can't find his center.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Thorns Inside

**Author's Note:**

> Just a drabble to deal with my own emotions.

The floor is cold beneath his ankles where they press to the metal. His pants just aren't quite long enough to cover them as he sits, knees bent to cross his legs at the calf. 

He has no idea how long he has been here, breathing, thinking, supposedly communing with the Force when in reality, he has just been thinking about how much he is  _ feeling _ . 

The hatred is the first amongst them. It is aimless and eats at him. Maybe it does have a terminus after all. It centers around his soul and he can no longer fight against it. Instead of trying to fend off the rage, he lets it in and feels it wrap its deathly claws around the core of his soul. 

Maybe it will help him fight the Light if he can no longer feel anything but the never-ending rage. 

Rage at the boy who loved his mother too much and the father that was never there. Rage at the little girl that he had saved because he was too soft--then--to kill her. 

Other emotions slipped in alongside it. 

Something like loneliness. Something like melancholy. Something like a longing he had no name for. 

Something itches at the back of his mind like it does every time he ever gets too far into his own thoughts. Something that makes him shy away from figuring out what it is he really wants. It feels like thorns he fell into as a child. It pricks at his mind and makes him hurt when he gets too close. 

He hates that part of himself. He hates and hates and  _ hates _ it until he can no longer breathe with the pain. 

He comes back to his room, gasping, sweating, crying. 

He collapses in on himself and can't figure it out. He doesn't know why he cannot find the inner peace that is so vital to him. He has not felt it since he was a small child. 

In the moments when everything has become too much, and he feels like he will surely fold, he thinks of that place where he cannot come to without feeling as if he is not welcome, and he rages. He uses it to fuel his ire. 

He uses it to make sure the Force works for him. 

But his touch is broken. 

He has power, yes. But he cannot control the fits and starts that his powers cause. He cannot harness the raw, untapped pool of  _ Force _ that lies within him. 

He wonders why as he lays his forehead against his arms where they rest on his calves. 

What is there but the Force and his emotions to drive it? 

He knows the Jedi way. 

He knows they use their logical mind to help them use the Force. That used to work for him, but he can no longer touch the Light without wanting to fall back into the warmth of it, the familiarity. 

He knows Supreme Leader knows this. 

How long before it kills him?


End file.
